changing times

For the first time in my life I feel like I am REALLY changing. I am finally able to admit to myself that maybe my old way of living is not what is best for me. Maybe there is a reason that I was always so depressed...maybe because I wasn't living life the way that I was created to live it.
I know that I will always be the same Emily, with the same heart and mind. But somehow I feel that in order to survive (or just enjoy my life) I need a change. For a while, I wasn't sure if I was the one that needed to change or if I should just wait for life to change for me. I think that it's a combination of both. I think that life has started to change (without asking for my permission), and now I must learn to adapt to the changes. Time to be a good sport and keep playing. I don't know.
It's hard to change. Because I'm used to the way things used to be, and used to the person that I used to be. But sometimes...you don't have any other choice but to take a good long look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself "Is this working?"
And sometimes, it's not working at all... at all. You can know yourself to the core but if you are not living life the way that you are wired to live it, you're never going to be happy.
I wish I knew exactly what steps to take from here, but I'm just hoping that I will start to learn more about myself than I ever have. That's really all that I can hope for! Who said change had to be a bad thing?
I know that I will see a lot of good come out of this time in my life if I stay true to who I am and keep believing that the future is bright!


Em

when you don't have the strength.

When you don't think things could get harder...they always do.

I can already tell that today is going to be a very hard day. I couldn't sleep last night because I just kept thinking about everything going on in my life, and how everything seems to be happening in the opposite way of what I want to happen. 

Is my life really about me learning how to deal with not having what I truly desire? That's what it feels like, especially today.  I have prayed over and over again that God would see my heart and really see the desires that are there, and that He would provide those things for me. So far, I still don't have the one thing that my heart longs for and I am stuck in this emotional state of "what the hell?" I feel frozen. Everyone in my life keeps telling me to find true happiness within myself, and to be thankful that I am still alive. They say to count all the blessings in my life and stop dwelling on the things that I don't have. But while I know how extremely blessed I am in life, I find it overwhelmingly difficult to be happy right now.

I honestly do not have the strength to handle much more of this, so here is what my prayer is for myself and anyone else who is feeling this way.  Making Christ my strength, is the only way that I am going to survive this.

"from His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower you with the inner strength through His spirit. Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust in Him. You roots will grow down into God's love and KEEP YOU STRONG. And you will have the power to understand...how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God"

Ephesians 3

As my sister told me, "pray this into your life". Together we can hope and pray that God will show us His amazing love.

Emily

the night.

The night is always the hardest time for me. I can have a great day but if I don't have any exciting plans for the evening, I get sad as soon as the sun goes down. Why is that? 

I have talked to several people about this, and most of them say that they feel the same way. My mom says that it is because you can't see as much of the world around you without the sun and you feel a sense of danger. That may be part of it. But for me, I just can't seem to enjoy the night because that is when I feel the lowest. I start to get sad and as soon as I crawl into bed, and like I'm on a time clock or something, the waterworks begin. I hate it. I think to myself...

"You are stronger than this." 

"You have a wonderful life, so why are you such a cry baby?" 

"Why are you so weak?!"

"You know this is going to make you look like crap in the morning"...ha

But here's the thing that I have realized. Life is extremely challenging no matter what hardships your facing...so everybody has the right to cry. Everybody faces times in their life when they feel that nothing can make them happy, right? Right. And who cares if crying all the time makes me a weak person...at least I'm being honest with how I feel. And is being weak always a bad thing? No, because those times teach us what true strength really is.

So it feels good to tell myself "I have the right to cry!", but I also have the strength to dry my tears and trust that everything is going to be okay. As my greatest friend always tells me..."this is NOT the end."

And it's not the end!  We aren't always guaranteed another day, but when we lay our heads down at night there is always the hope of waking up to at least one more day on this earth. And that should be enough to pull anybody through a hard night. 

So enjoy your night, whether you stay up past midnight or go to bed early. You are going to be fine, that is a guarantee:)

Goodnight!

the waiting game...

My best friend Laura started her own blog to record the days of her life leading up to her wedding. Seeing her create a blog made me want try it myself! This blog will be for me to record my thoughts and feelings about my everyday journey, and what it means to find true peace and happiness. So here goes!

 Recently my life has been a series of difficult events that make it extremely hard for me to carry on with a good spirit. I will never go into heavy detail about the specifics of my life on this blog, but I will talk about the feelings in my heart that seem to change everyday.

I used to readily believe that I had a Creator who really cared for me and that He wanted what was best for me. When I recall the past years of my life it is hard for me to credit the times of strength, peace, hope, and answered prayers to anything other than God. I never have believed in fate, or luck, or some kind of karma that pushes us through life. I have always believed that there was a God inside us and around us, who knows us better than anyone ever could. He always seemed to answer my prayers so effortlessly and never let me hurt too badly. So I just kept on trusting him.

Now in my life, when times are hard and nothing I pray seems to be heard, I have a hard time believing that He's actually present. This is the first time in my life that I have really doubted the power of God and His love for me. Now, I know how some people might react to this kind of doubt that I'm experiencing..."how could you doubt the all-knowing and everlasting Creator of the universe?!"

My answer to that would be this:
Life is difficult. If I don't doubt God in times of trouble, then how could I ever truly understand what FAITH is? Faith is believing in something that you have absolutely no control over. When the current state of your life seems so distant from the life that you actual want for yourself, you might need to realize that the only hope you have is to pray to a God who knows everything. I have watched myself try to control every aspect of my life, because I have been doubting God's love for me, and only now can see how empty that kind of endeavor is. But if didn't know what it was like to doubt Him, how could He teach me to trust Him?

This morning I was sitting in my mom and step dad's backyard, trying to have a conversation with a God that I was mad at. The questions that arose in my spirit went something like this...
"How could you allow me to experience this level of pain, when you promised that you would never give me more than I could bear?"
"Why are you not providing me with the things that I want so badly? These aren't selfish things to want, God. They are the desires of my heart. How can I believe that you love me when I am dealing with pain on a daily basis?"
"What is it that you are trying to teach me?!"

All of the questions that arose this morning and throughout the past two months have been questions of doubt and anger. I keep living everyday as if I actually know what's best for me. AND I DON'T!

So my realization this morning is a very strong feeling in my spirit to REALLY trust my God. Not just tell Him what I want and be angry with Him for not giving me those things. But to really trust that He is my Father, and He does not want to see me hurting. I have to believe that my current state of frustration and pain is going to make sense in the future. He sees it all, and knows what I need.

So today is a different kind of day! I am going to approach today as a day of patience and trust. I know how easy it is to slip into doubt...so today and everyday after this is going to be a fight. This fight is the greatest fight that any human being can be apart of. It's the fight to stay strong and believe in the things unseen, even when it seems impossible!

Thanks for joining me on my journey.  I hope that this blog can be an uplifting experience for anyone who reads it...

Emily