My New York Cafe Reflections

So, I am in New York! I'm staying in Williamsburg, Brooklyn with my beautiful friend Mallory. I am really excited about being here because, well, it's New York! But I am also really loving this trip because I have prayed that God would make this a very valuable spiritual experience. Of course, we will do our fair share of New York things while I am here, but I am really excited about the things I will learn about myself while I'm here. I am excited to get closer to God during this next week and to be able to spend it in such an amazing city!

Mallory and I went out to the coolest restaurant last night in the East village. I couldn't help but feeling so alive and so at ease. I always have fun with Mallory, but everything is just intensified when you're in a place with endless opportunities. Who knows what adventures and memories today will bring!  Right now I am sitting in a cozy cafe and I want to write about some of the things I have been thinking about.

Over the past week or so God has really been guiding me and directing me, and everything He's been teaching me is so exciting. But mainly, I feel that God is just helping me highlight (or re-highlight) my values. He is helping me see the things that REALLY matter to me. The world can be a place of confusion, especially for me. I get lost in my own desires and dreams and forget to just relax and know that He has everything covered. It's peaceful and relaxing to know that everything is going to be okay.
I feel like, for a long time, I have underestimated the dynamic power of faith. The more I read in the Word, the clearer it becomes that it's time for my faith to get stronger. One of my greatest friends just recently told me that putting your faith is God is a lifestyle. I really appreciate those words because I understand that building your faith takes work. It is a daily struggle to keep your faith strong, but it is the best kind of struggle. Not only does this make you stronger, but it teaches you that He is the only thing that is dependable in this life. His love becomes the Rock that you can stand on, no matter what difficulties you face in you life. I think for the first time, ever, my faith is really coming alive. It's becoming the thing that gets me up in the morning, and I believe that's exactly how it should be!

For a really long time (basically my whole life), I have been so focused on myself and the things that I want for myself that I lost sight of the most important thing, and that is the One who created me. I like the idea of just relaxing into God's control and love.

The song that just came on in the cafe reminds me how BEAUTIFUL life is. Thanks U2... "it's a beautiful day!"The sun is coming up and shining light on so many beautiful things that I never noticed before. I know life is hard, but when you remove your spirit from your flesh, you realize how fleeting this life is. I pray that the sun comes up on your life today, and that you begin to see the beauty of everyday:) Pray big prayers and dream big dreams because we belong to a big God!

Emily

Something short but sweet.

Today is the day when I looked in the mirror at myself and said..."Oh yeah! I remember her!"

I love nature. I love painting. I love birds. I love rain. I love music. I love laughing and being really goofy! I lost myself for a little while to the ways of the world, and let myself forget about how beautiful God has made me inside and out.
If you are feeling discouraged about who you are, remember that you are beautiful just the way God made you. Don't let the world influence your perception of yourself. Laugh more! Life is fun! There are so many things to be grateful for.

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God"
Psalm 40:8

Be free!!


Emily

Life looks different now...

"And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up."
- After the Storm
Mumford & Sons


This song is a piece of art that I cherish very much. Its lyrics are timeless and it teaches me how to be calm and patient as I wait on God.  It has taken a while for me to finally understand the power of faith. I see now that I cannot control my life, and that I shouldn't even want to. God has proven Himself time and time again, and His hands are the only hands that I will ever trust with my life. God is changing me into a completely different person. He has taught me how to truly love myself, by helping me understand the way that He loves me. He has revealed to me a pathway for my life that looks so much better than the one I would have chosen for myself.
For the longest time, I have desired to be an actress in film and to be a very accomplished choreographer. I have been determined to achieve these goals, whether God approved or not. I was always scared to give my dreams and desires over to God because I feared that I would never see my dreams come true. God has taught me so much throughout my life, but I feel that I have learned the most about myself in the last few weeks. I now see that giving my dreams and desires to God is one of the most freeing things I could possibly ever do for my life. A life that is controlled by my ways and my plans for myself offers no freedom in who God has created me to be. I have believed many lies fed to me throughout my life, but I can finally see through one of the biggest lies that I have believed for so long. The lie was the idea that I would never be happy unless I achieved my plans for my life. This lie kept me imprisoned in my own ways and kept me from believing in God's amazing plan for my life. My desire to see my dreams come true made me into a stone; unable to appreciate life in the present. 
For such a long time I have dreamed of a future that brought about answered dreams, freedom, and joy. But the amazing thing that I see now is that the future that I have been dreaming of is not a future that I could plan for myself. The future of answered dreams, freedom, and joy can only be given to me by my Creator. He knows EVERYTHING that I need. I have completely given over my desires to Him because I know that He knows what is best, even if that means that I will never see my plan for my life come to fruition. I understand faith more than I ever have, and I can only attribute this HUGE change in myself to God.  


"So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares for you...So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation" 1 Peter 5:10


This new journey of my life is about Him teaching me to walk day by day. One of my greatest fears is letting the present moment go by without striving for my ideal future. But the present is all that I have, and it is BEAUTIFUL. God is teaching me all of these things, and I thank Him for this. I now experience freedom on a daily basis, because God is here and now. God does want me to have a beautiful future, but He really wants me to find love and meaning in every moment that I am alive. He is teaching me to "walk by faith and not by sight", and I understand that this is the best possible way to live life! 



"And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."


I dream of a future that brings true love, freedom, and many flowers. And I know that I can trust my Creator with EVERYTHING.

changing times

For the first time in my life I feel like I am REALLY changing. I am finally able to admit to myself that maybe my old way of living is not what is best for me. Maybe there is a reason that I was always so depressed...maybe because I wasn't living life the way that I was created to live it.
I know that I will always be the same Emily, with the same heart and mind. But somehow I feel that in order to survive (or just enjoy my life) I need a change. For a while, I wasn't sure if I was the one that needed to change or if I should just wait for life to change for me. I think that it's a combination of both. I think that life has started to change (without asking for my permission), and now I must learn to adapt to the changes. Time to be a good sport and keep playing. I don't know.
It's hard to change. Because I'm used to the way things used to be, and used to the person that I used to be. But sometimes...you don't have any other choice but to take a good long look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself "Is this working?"
And sometimes, it's not working at all... at all. You can know yourself to the core but if you are not living life the way that you are wired to live it, you're never going to be happy.
I wish I knew exactly what steps to take from here, but I'm just hoping that I will start to learn more about myself than I ever have. That's really all that I can hope for! Who said change had to be a bad thing?
I know that I will see a lot of good come out of this time in my life if I stay true to who I am and keep believing that the future is bright!


Em

when you don't have the strength.

When you don't think things could get harder...they always do.

I can already tell that today is going to be a very hard day. I couldn't sleep last night because I just kept thinking about everything going on in my life, and how everything seems to be happening in the opposite way of what I want to happen. 

Is my life really about me learning how to deal with not having what I truly desire? That's what it feels like, especially today.  I have prayed over and over again that God would see my heart and really see the desires that are there, and that He would provide those things for me. So far, I still don't have the one thing that my heart longs for and I am stuck in this emotional state of "what the hell?" I feel frozen. Everyone in my life keeps telling me to find true happiness within myself, and to be thankful that I am still alive. They say to count all the blessings in my life and stop dwelling on the things that I don't have. But while I know how extremely blessed I am in life, I find it overwhelmingly difficult to be happy right now.

I honestly do not have the strength to handle much more of this, so here is what my prayer is for myself and anyone else who is feeling this way.  Making Christ my strength, is the only way that I am going to survive this.

"from His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower you with the inner strength through His spirit. Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust in Him. You roots will grow down into God's love and KEEP YOU STRONG. And you will have the power to understand...how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God"

Ephesians 3

As my sister told me, "pray this into your life". Together we can hope and pray that God will show us His amazing love.

Emily

the night.

The night is always the hardest time for me. I can have a great day but if I don't have any exciting plans for the evening, I get sad as soon as the sun goes down. Why is that? 

I have talked to several people about this, and most of them say that they feel the same way. My mom says that it is because you can't see as much of the world around you without the sun and you feel a sense of danger. That may be part of it. But for me, I just can't seem to enjoy the night because that is when I feel the lowest. I start to get sad and as soon as I crawl into bed, and like I'm on a time clock or something, the waterworks begin. I hate it. I think to myself...

"You are stronger than this." 

"You have a wonderful life, so why are you such a cry baby?" 

"Why are you so weak?!"

"You know this is going to make you look like crap in the morning"...ha

But here's the thing that I have realized. Life is extremely challenging no matter what hardships your facing...so everybody has the right to cry. Everybody faces times in their life when they feel that nothing can make them happy, right? Right. And who cares if crying all the time makes me a weak person...at least I'm being honest with how I feel. And is being weak always a bad thing? No, because those times teach us what true strength really is.

So it feels good to tell myself "I have the right to cry!", but I also have the strength to dry my tears and trust that everything is going to be okay. As my greatest friend always tells me..."this is NOT the end."

And it's not the end!  We aren't always guaranteed another day, but when we lay our heads down at night there is always the hope of waking up to at least one more day on this earth. And that should be enough to pull anybody through a hard night. 

So enjoy your night, whether you stay up past midnight or go to bed early. You are going to be fine, that is a guarantee:)

Goodnight!

the waiting game...

My best friend Laura started her own blog to record the days of her life leading up to her wedding. Seeing her create a blog made me want try it myself! This blog will be for me to record my thoughts and feelings about my everyday journey, and what it means to find true peace and happiness. So here goes!

 Recently my life has been a series of difficult events that make it extremely hard for me to carry on with a good spirit. I will never go into heavy detail about the specifics of my life on this blog, but I will talk about the feelings in my heart that seem to change everyday.

I used to readily believe that I had a Creator who really cared for me and that He wanted what was best for me. When I recall the past years of my life it is hard for me to credit the times of strength, peace, hope, and answered prayers to anything other than God. I never have believed in fate, or luck, or some kind of karma that pushes us through life. I have always believed that there was a God inside us and around us, who knows us better than anyone ever could. He always seemed to answer my prayers so effortlessly and never let me hurt too badly. So I just kept on trusting him.

Now in my life, when times are hard and nothing I pray seems to be heard, I have a hard time believing that He's actually present. This is the first time in my life that I have really doubted the power of God and His love for me. Now, I know how some people might react to this kind of doubt that I'm experiencing..."how could you doubt the all-knowing and everlasting Creator of the universe?!"

My answer to that would be this:
Life is difficult. If I don't doubt God in times of trouble, then how could I ever truly understand what FAITH is? Faith is believing in something that you have absolutely no control over. When the current state of your life seems so distant from the life that you actual want for yourself, you might need to realize that the only hope you have is to pray to a God who knows everything. I have watched myself try to control every aspect of my life, because I have been doubting God's love for me, and only now can see how empty that kind of endeavor is. But if didn't know what it was like to doubt Him, how could He teach me to trust Him?

This morning I was sitting in my mom and step dad's backyard, trying to have a conversation with a God that I was mad at. The questions that arose in my spirit went something like this...
"How could you allow me to experience this level of pain, when you promised that you would never give me more than I could bear?"
"Why are you not providing me with the things that I want so badly? These aren't selfish things to want, God. They are the desires of my heart. How can I believe that you love me when I am dealing with pain on a daily basis?"
"What is it that you are trying to teach me?!"

All of the questions that arose this morning and throughout the past two months have been questions of doubt and anger. I keep living everyday as if I actually know what's best for me. AND I DON'T!

So my realization this morning is a very strong feeling in my spirit to REALLY trust my God. Not just tell Him what I want and be angry with Him for not giving me those things. But to really trust that He is my Father, and He does not want to see me hurting. I have to believe that my current state of frustration and pain is going to make sense in the future. He sees it all, and knows what I need.

So today is a different kind of day! I am going to approach today as a day of patience and trust. I know how easy it is to slip into doubt...so today and everyday after this is going to be a fight. This fight is the greatest fight that any human being can be apart of. It's the fight to stay strong and believe in the things unseen, even when it seems impossible!

Thanks for joining me on my journey.  I hope that this blog can be an uplifting experience for anyone who reads it...

Emily