the waiting game...

My best friend Laura started her own blog to record the days of her life leading up to her wedding. Seeing her create a blog made me want try it myself! This blog will be for me to record my thoughts and feelings about my everyday journey, and what it means to find true peace and happiness. So here goes!

 Recently my life has been a series of difficult events that make it extremely hard for me to carry on with a good spirit. I will never go into heavy detail about the specifics of my life on this blog, but I will talk about the feelings in my heart that seem to change everyday.

I used to readily believe that I had a Creator who really cared for me and that He wanted what was best for me. When I recall the past years of my life it is hard for me to credit the times of strength, peace, hope, and answered prayers to anything other than God. I never have believed in fate, or luck, or some kind of karma that pushes us through life. I have always believed that there was a God inside us and around us, who knows us better than anyone ever could. He always seemed to answer my prayers so effortlessly and never let me hurt too badly. So I just kept on trusting him.

Now in my life, when times are hard and nothing I pray seems to be heard, I have a hard time believing that He's actually present. This is the first time in my life that I have really doubted the power of God and His love for me. Now, I know how some people might react to this kind of doubt that I'm experiencing..."how could you doubt the all-knowing and everlasting Creator of the universe?!"

My answer to that would be this:
Life is difficult. If I don't doubt God in times of trouble, then how could I ever truly understand what FAITH is? Faith is believing in something that you have absolutely no control over. When the current state of your life seems so distant from the life that you actual want for yourself, you might need to realize that the only hope you have is to pray to a God who knows everything. I have watched myself try to control every aspect of my life, because I have been doubting God's love for me, and only now can see how empty that kind of endeavor is. But if didn't know what it was like to doubt Him, how could He teach me to trust Him?

This morning I was sitting in my mom and step dad's backyard, trying to have a conversation with a God that I was mad at. The questions that arose in my spirit went something like this...
"How could you allow me to experience this level of pain, when you promised that you would never give me more than I could bear?"
"Why are you not providing me with the things that I want so badly? These aren't selfish things to want, God. They are the desires of my heart. How can I believe that you love me when I am dealing with pain on a daily basis?"
"What is it that you are trying to teach me?!"

All of the questions that arose this morning and throughout the past two months have been questions of doubt and anger. I keep living everyday as if I actually know what's best for me. AND I DON'T!

So my realization this morning is a very strong feeling in my spirit to REALLY trust my God. Not just tell Him what I want and be angry with Him for not giving me those things. But to really trust that He is my Father, and He does not want to see me hurting. I have to believe that my current state of frustration and pain is going to make sense in the future. He sees it all, and knows what I need.

So today is a different kind of day! I am going to approach today as a day of patience and trust. I know how easy it is to slip into doubt...so today and everyday after this is going to be a fight. This fight is the greatest fight that any human being can be apart of. It's the fight to stay strong and believe in the things unseen, even when it seems impossible!

Thanks for joining me on my journey.  I hope that this blog can be an uplifting experience for anyone who reads it...

Emily